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My Husband is a terrible Gift giver!! Help!Dear Merna,My birthday is in two weeks and with Christmas coming soon, I wanted to ask for your advice on how to approach my husband about his gift choices for me. I know he means well, and he does remember at least, but I dread opening up presents from him because I'm usually disappointed. He has given me spoons, dessert ramekins, for example and last year he gave me an ice cream maker. Granted, I like to cook, but for once I would like a present that is just for me and not something the whole household can use. I've tried dropping hints like my friend has this new perfume and it smells great, or wouldn't it be fun to get a massage. I've circled things in catalogs and left them in places he'd notice, and nothing seems to work. How can I tell him without hurting his feelings or starting a fight that I think his gift choices stink? Feeling unloved in Texas Dear Feeling unloved in Texas, When I read your letter to me I couldn't help but think how common this question is for women to write in about or my coaching clients to talk about. As women, we want to feel treasured by the fellas in our life when we receive gifts of caring and specialness. Now men simply need the clear instructions of what you love, so he wasn’t that far off base. Without knowing the difference, he believed he knocked it out of the park with knowing your love of cooking and your birthday. This he does deserve kudos for with his gifts and thoughtfulness. He was doing his best here. Pat yourself on the back for a good marriage and commitment to one another. As women we think the men in our life should automatically ‘know’ what we love if they truly love us. Well love doesn’t make us mind readers, nor does it to men. Sorry, but he has a big chance of NOT picking up your clues you are leaving around the house as men simply do not take hints well. There is much you can do about this by pointing out in a loving and clear way what you desire for gifts. Telling him does not negate your love together nor does it devalue it in any way. This is just a feeling women believe or feel, but it doesn’t make this true. Here is a tool to use and an example of how to show him what you desire. Using the "I" starters and owning your part her, while not bringing in what you believe he did wrong will win every time. “Honey, remember that massage I bought myself a few months back? The stress just melted away that week. I would not mind one bit if you bought me a gift certificate for one or more of them! It would be the best gift ever.” Now, to some of us we think this totally devalues the gift if we spell it out for them, but this is our own perspective and we must truly change our view. Looking at the good in people is what we should be doing instead of looking at what they are doing wrong. Put on some rose colored glasses because he really is trying hard to please you with his gifts. This shows the wonderful love and commitment you both have for your marriage. These days you both deserve kudos for such a healthy relationship and wanting to continue working on it! That is what it takes. Good luck and enjoy those massages! Merna
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