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My Adult Daughters fight as if They are Teens and approaching 50. Help!Dear Merna,First, I want to say how much I love my two daughters and son with all my heart. I am a woman who just turned 80 now with adult children in their forties. I saw your advice column on Facebook (my grandchildren made me get an account) and thought what the heck. With the holidays approaching, I can’t help but dread what drama will be created this season just like all the past holidays. My daughters fight like immature teens when they get together and pick at each other. I am actually appalled and embarrassed for them. I don’t want this drama any longer and always kept my mouth shut to keep the peace, but I am tired of it all. My daughters cannot get over the past, and they bring me into it. How should I handle this situation? Perplexed Dear Perplexed, First, I am so glad you took that leap of faith and wrote about your issue. Good for you! Second, you are sooo not alone with this issue with family and holiday time. Not at all! You did your best over the years trying to do the right thing waiting for your adult daughters show their maturity and this hasn’t worked. As a coach for many years now, I couldn’t tell you how many people dread the holiday’s and family. Why is this? Excessively many people are losing site of life’s real priorities. Our families are the ones always there for us through the good and bad – if you are lucky, so why are you creating waves when unnecessary? Also, why the holiday’s? Good question for many. There are 364 other days of the year to talk about personal issues, and the holidays are not one of them. Our family will never be perfect, nor can we change them, but we must accept them as they are. Now, wait I am not saying sit and zip it… Pleeeasee I am not that person either. There is a happy medium between fighting back and saying nothing. Yes, sometimes not giving them attention is a good way to try, as this could possibly be what they are seeking. (Immature I know) However, there are healthy ways to phrase what you need to and show them you mean business. Sit down and journal some words on how you want to say this and practice it out loud before the day. No, this is not you ‘making this happen’, but you are ready with some healthy skills should this happen again. Write out what you wish to say and then rephrase them using the “I” statements. “Girls, I love you, family, and Christmas more than life itself. I want you two to put this aside for another day in private and come with the rest of us and enjoy Christmas. Would you do that for us?” Now, say this out loud and see how this feels. You are giving them a genuine complement from the heart, and then stating your boundary in an accepting way. Finally, you are putting this back in their court to answer. Phrasing it this way will 'hopefully' make them be open to saying...Ok....If they can't. "You" and the rest of your family enjoy Christmas and invite them to the garage for some one on one time. There are many healthy communication skills that can help you with the holiday time so you are prepared to have a stellar holiday season. I challenge you to make a change this year and really get into family and holiday’s while setting healthy boundaries. We have many tools and features on our site to help you do this very thing! If you are the Drama seeker of a family, here is my advice. Suck it up - It’s Christmas! Imagine your life without your family and see how bad you really have it! Make sure you take some "me" time the other days of the year to find out what is driving for these moments during holiday time. Happy Holiday’s Perplexed and wish you many more! Merna
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