Dear Merna...Why Do 'Vocal' People Judge Others? It hurts!
I have a friend who is very vocal. When playing Bridge Cards the other day, I was not concentrating as if I should have in her ''eyes'' and she came down on me pretty hard in front of everyone. I thanked her back and saying I wasn’t aware I was doing this. By the way, I was a substitute in this club. When I got home, I thought about this the rest of the day. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. I did not like how she made me feel. I couldn’t get to sleep and when I did I woke up in the night and thought about it again. In the a.m., it was my first thought of the day. She is very bossy and controlling and she is top-notch bridge player. I have thought about talking to her, but lost my nerve. What would you suggest on handling difficult people who think they are the BEST in everything and like to run people down in front of others. I am a strong person, but this bothered me and I felt degraded. What do you suggest? Girls Just Want to Have Fun Dear Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Thank you for writing in on this topic as, I believe, many people will benefit from this type of question. It is very hurtful when we feel judged and especially in front of our peers. Often, it isn’t about who was right or wrong, but just having some fun. It sounds like you were simply going to have some fun with the girls that day and it came to a complete halt in your heart when she voiced her opinion - harshly. I believe it is Dr.Phil that uses his phrasing the best, ‘Pick your battles’… he didn’t coin this phrase or invent it, but rather made it a household phrase. However, he is completely right here, so we do not want mirror what we feel is being done to us. This would be taking the low road. We all have ‘hot spots’ in our life and it comes from past hurt, loss, sadness, lower self-worth, and other not so fun events in our life. When someone that is very “Vocal” speaks to us they can hit our ‘hot spots’ easily. It will stir things up and the emotions inside of us makes us want to lash back or not know what to do and carry the pain with us from that moment forward. It’s a defense mechanism when we are hurt. Without knowing more information, you can still help yourself now and be ready in the future and I will give you a few tips. 1. In the moment, take a deep breath and take the High Road by answering the question if needed. 2. Reflect on it later, so it gives you time to think about your response without lashing out…You do not want to regret what you have said. 3. Decide if it’s worth it? If she is someone you see a couple times a year, is it worth it to talk to her at a later time? Probably not…Remember, Talk to her at a later time is NOT a weakness, but a strong adult skill that you will learn to embrace. 4. Journal about your feelings to ‘brain dump’ some cobwebs of feelings that got stirred up. (This is not saying anything is wrong, but simply caring for self) 5. Journal ‘Why’ you want to confront her and what would you say? This is exactly why I wrote The Clemency Exercise. A tool to use over and over again to help you work through this painful feeling you carried with you until the next day. We do not want to bury these types of hurt because they will fester! Remember, our anger is NOT our strength and sadness/hurt is not a weakness. They are all the emotions we each possess called being H*U*M*A*N…I have a *Free* recorded coaching session with this title in our Audio Library, so I would check it out. It has some great tools in there! Also, our eHelp™ Library… Girls, lashing back at someone is not our strength, it is actually showing our weaker side so think before responding. (Kudos, for doing the right thing!) The high road is being able to know our self best and shake off things other people do for their own issues. People say things and do not always mean to hurt us. Some people say things to hurt us intentionally… We cannot change someone else, only ‘Us’….If we get into keeping scoring and getting even by calling everyone on it.. This is wasted energy, so choose the relationships you want to nurture and cultivate. Hang in there and you are not alone here at all! Always here when you need!
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